losing my warmth
by EllieLovesYou
Summary: She leans her forehead against the smooth stone and doesn't even wince at how cold it is "you're a bastard" she mumbles softly "you promised me you wouldn't leave me—you promised" her words are angry and sad and she's breaking her own heart.


_**I don't know why I wrote this—I was feeling kinda sad so it translated into my writing, I suppose? Idk I just have been feeling blocked lately so this kinda helped.**_

The darkness should scare her, and how cold it is. It's so cold. Somewhere, deep down, she recognizes that it is so cold and it's dark and she's alone but she can't bring herself to care. She feels numb on the inside, now her outsides will match too.

She leans her forehead against the smooth stone and doesn't even wince at how cold it is "you're a bastard" she mumbles softly "you promised me you wouldn't leave me—you promised" her words are angry and sad and she's breaking her own heart.

"you swore that you would never leave and that it would always be us" she feels tears burn her eyes "But you left" the tears softly spill from her eyes as the words fall from her lips "you left and I don't know what to do" she sniffles "What am I supposed to do?"

She hugs herself closer to the tombstone—this was all she had.

" _I will love you, Lydia Martin, till the end of time" he beamed at her as he said this loudly in front of their family and friends "That's all I could think of at first when they told me to write my vows, for weeks—that's all I could think of. How I will love you till the end of time and how could I even start to put that into words" he sucks in a little breath_

" _And I realized I couldn't. I couldn't even begin to think to describe how much I love you and how much of my soul you are" she smiles softly "because you are—you are my heart, my soul, my life. You are the logic to my emotion and the brain to my heart" she sniffles softly, she doesn't even care that he basically said the same thing twice._

" _Lydia Martin, I can't even begin to describe my love for you" he says softly "I can't even begin to describe how looking at you is the equivalent of looking at my heart. How when you laugh I can still feel my heart skip a beat, or how when you kiss me I still lose my breath—you are indescribable. My love for you the same. I can only say that I will never leave you and my love for you will never stop, we can both cease to exist but it will never stop, there's not a day I will never not love you. I will always be completely and totally in love with you , my everything"_

"you were my heart" she said softly "I know you said I was your heart but you were _my_ heart and I don't—" a sob escaped her and she covered her mouth "I don't know what to do without you" her heart aches "I don't know what to do without my heart, my soul, my life"

A breeze blows through the area and a shiver runs down her back, but she doesn't make a move to leave. She hasn't been comfortable anywhere but here since it happened. Since he left.

"Please" she cries softly "Please come back" everything in her is aching for him, for him to come back to her and tell her it's going to be alright "I n-need you" she pauses "they need you"

 _He's stunned and she can't breathe._

 _She just told her husband that she's pregnant and he hasn't said anything for a solid twenty seconds—she's not even sure he's breathing._

" _Honey?" she asks softly, her voice a whole octave higher "Love of my life?" she walks over to him and shakes him "Hey look at me" she reaches over and cups his face and forces him to look at her "Are you okay?"_

" _Lydia?"_

" _Yeah?"_

" _we're having a baby?"_

 _She nods, letting herself smile "yeah, babe—we're having a baby"_

 _In a flash he moves and suddenly she's wrapped up in his embrace. He's twirling her around and she wraps her legs around his waist. He's smiling and kissing her everywhere he can reach "We're having a baby!" he yells out "Oh my god" he puts her down and looks at her "I have to call the pack" he presses a kiss to her nose and then goes to find the phone leaving Lydia with the biggest smile on her face._

She brings her hand to the tombstone and traces the letters lightly "I'm changing my last name" she says softly "I don't want Martin on my tombstone, at all—I just want your name" she moves so her legs are right in front of the tombstone and her temple is pressed to the cold stone.

Her toes are numb and she can feel her heart rate slowing down, she lets her eyes drift shut and thinks of a happier time, a warmer time.

" _Look at him, Lydia" he says completely and totally in love with their newborn son. Lydia's still tired from giving birth but she forces her eyes to stay open—she doesn't want to miss this moment "He's so perfect" he sounds so taken with their child that her chest warms._

 _He was born exactly 8 and half months after their wedding and she couldn't think of a better late present._

" _He looks like you, Lydie. His eyes are green and his so—pale"_

 _Lydia laughs softly "He has your hair"_

" _yeah" he sounds far away as he gently combs his fingers through their son's dark hair "he's gonna be trouble—I just know it"_

" _but a cute trouble maker"_

" _yeah" he finally looks up at her "so, mama, what do you think—Jude Alexander?"_

 _Lydia smiles "yeah—Jude"_

She should be stronger for her son but he's eight and he knows that his dad is—is gone. The little boy has been so strong, going around and making sure no one cries for too long, never letting himself cry for too long.

But really, is she was being honest—she couldn't bring herself to care.

She just wanted her husband back.

" _Jude!" he laughs as he runs away from his father_

" _Can't catch me daddy!" the little boy squeals out, when his father's hands graze his sides he yells and runs to his mother "mama! Save me!"_

 _Lydia laughs and scoops up her four year old son "No, daddy!" she yells out playfully as he comes to them both placing her hand on his chest "Please don't take Jude-bug"_

" _Oh alright but I need payment" Lydia smiles and leans over and places a kiss on his lips "Much better but I think I still need a kiss from Jude-bug"_

" _Okay!" he moves around in his mother's arms till he can reach his father. He slaps his hands on either side of his dad's face and presses a kiss to his nose "there daddy! No more chasing, right?"_

" _yeah, bub. No more chasing"_

" _Can we chase Haley, now?"_

 _He laughs "Bub, your sister is only 6 months old—she can't walk yet"_

 _Jude groans and goes limp in his mother's arm "Ugh—she needs to hurry up and grow"_

 _Lydia smiles and looks back to where her daughter was giggling happily with Stiles and Malia—she couldn't love life more than in this moment._

"I can't do this" she cries out softly "Jude cries at night—I hear him but I just—I just can't bring myself to get up and hold him" she swallows hard "I can't do anything anymore"

She hugs her knees against her chest "I feel like I haven't seen Haley in weeks because she's been with Stiles and Malia so much—Jude doesn't want to leave me alone" she lets out a humorless laugh "he thinks I'm going to hurt myself and I think—" she sighs "I think he's right"

Another shiver runs down her spine "I can't feel anything anymore" she admits softly "I just feel empty" she traces his name "I need you"

 _She's alone with the kids._

 _He went to go see Deaton about a new creature crossing through the town and promised to be right back. That was two hours ago._

 _He's not picking up his phone and Lydia has this awful sinking feeling._

" _Mama?" she turns around to look at her four year old daughter, Haley Elise._

" _Yeah, baby?"_

" _Where's daddy? He said he was going to read me a story"_

 _Lydia crouches down "Daddy had to do something so how about mama reads you a story instead, yeah?"_

" _Okay" she turns around and heads upstairs to wait for her mother when the house phone rings. Lydia quickly walks over and picks it up_

" _Hello?"_

" _Hello? Is this Lydia Martin—"_

" _yes" she said impatiently "yes, this is she"_

" _I'm sorry to inform you but—"_

 _That's when Lydia's whole world came crashing down._

"They wouldn't let me see you" she said lowly "they said that whatever got you—they just said I wouldn't want that to be the last memory of you"

She sighed "Deaton says it was the creature passing through—he was sick, he—" Lydia released a deep breath "He was crazy and he was just so strong and you—you didn't want to fight him. You wanted to help and—" a sob escapes her "and then you were gone"

She lets her eyes close intending for them to stay closed—she didn't want to do this anymore. She couldn't.

"I miss you" she croaks out "I don't know how to function anymore—I feel empty"

She lets her body completely rest against the stone letting him support her one last time. She feels everything thing go numb and then she tries to remember a warm memory—something so that a cold graveyard isn't the last thing she knows

"Mama!" she shakes her head—she knows that voice. Warm hands paw her and she struggles to open her eyes "Mama, please!" the voice pleads, sobbing for its mother.

She slowly opens her eyes to see Jude looking down at her "Mama—d-don't leave me" he sobs out, face red "Don't leave me and Haley alone"

Lydia feels her heart break at her son's words—they would be alone. She would be leaving her children behind.

"I—" she chokes out, she feels cold and her husband had only even been her warmth but suddenly her son is here. And her son is warming her.

"I love you, mama" he chokes out "Don't leave me"

His face flashes before her eyes and she aches for his touch but he's gone. He's gone and her son isn't. He's still right here and he needs her.

So with weak hands she squeezes her son's hand "O-Okay" she says softly "I won't leave you, Jude-bug"

Her son sobs when Lydia closes her eyes and holds her till someone comes.

.

 **X**

 **.**

Her eyes open.

She's in a hospital room, her whole body aches but she's warm. She looks over to her right where her son sits clutching her hand, sleeping peacefully.

"Mama?" she turns to see Haley pushing her room door open "you're awake?"

"Yeah, baby. Mama's awake"

The little girl jumps on the bed and tucks herself into her mother's side "I didn't want you to leave, mama" she says softly "I would miss you like I miss daddy"

Lydia feels a tear slip down her cheek—she needed to be here for her kids. She may have lost her husband but they lost their dad. She couldn't let them lose both their parents.

"I'm sorry, baby" she kisses her head "I won't leave you"

"Promise?"

"Promise"

A nurse enters the room "Oh, Mrs. Martin, I wasn't aware you had woken, I—"

"McCall" Lydia interrupts

"What?"

"Mrs. McCall" Lydia says firmly "It's Mrs. McCall"

"Oh, sorry, Mrs. McCall I'm gonna go get your doctor. I'll be right back"

Lydia sighs and looks down at her kids. Jude was snoring softly and Haley was playing the ends of Lydia's hair "hey, baby?"

"Yeah?"

"I never read you that story did I?"

Haley looks up at her mother and Lydia wills herself not to cry, Haley's eyes were father's "No, mama you didn't"

"How about I tell you about a girl and a boy who loved each other very much—their names were Scott McCall and Lydia Martin"

"Like you and daddy!" Haley cries out happily

"yeah, baby—just like me and daddy"


End file.
